Living Intentionally…?

There are times I wonder why I started a blog. I have not been very good at keeping it up. And I am sure I have lost readers because of it. Sometimes I wonder if I really needed the exposure. What my message was supposed to be. Why? Why did I do this?

The short answer, I’m not sure right now.

Perhaps we all go through a phase where we don’t write. Sometimes we get blocked and can’t figure out what to say as we sit down at the keyboard. We all want to sound important and intelligent and to have our thoughts read and validated by others.  Some of us are writers at our core and just need to put this stuff down, even if it’s only for posterity. Others have an exact point to make or the point they are trying to make is to live a more purposeful life.

So why do we do this?

Why do we live by the clock to post on time as to not disappoint our readers, our followers, our “likers”?

Why did I set out to do this?

I remember the first time I wanted to have a blog. In those days, it was a relatively new thing. Not like it is now. And there are so many now. But then, I wanted to have the hit blog on the block because young folks, blogs used to be a hot commodity, like youtube is now. Not just anyone could have a successful blog and I wanted one. But I was afraid.

Not that moms usually talk about this stuff, but I suffer from high anxiety and a special form of PTSD related to dealing with multiple people on the autism spectrum in my home. I have discussed being an advocate for them but never discussed the toll it takes on me. With that being said, this anxiety has been around long before the spectrum folk in my life. I struggle with it daily.

So, the idea that my thoughts were out there. That others would be reading or commenting on them, was terrifying. It’s one of the reasons I have yet to publish a single manuscript under my own name or any name for that matter. I have been a freelance writer and editor who ghostwrites content for a very long time. My name isn’t out there. No one knows who I am and that’s the way I have liked it for a long time.

What changed?

I’m not sure. Maybe it was the movie Mom’s Night Out and her wanting so desperately to be a “mommy blogger” which evoked the notion in me that I could do that. But did I want to be classified as a “mommy blogger” or did I want more.

Am I an authority on anything?

Oh, the self doubt of anxiety can be crippling. It eats you up inside and whispers in your ear that you can’t do anything. You shouldn’t do anything. Just sit in your space and you’ll be safe from everything. But is that really living at all? So, I read a few blog posts on starting blogs and one stated that I have something important to say and if I had something important to say, then I should say it. It would help me live more intentionally.

What does living more intentionally mean?

Does it mean we create situations that aren’t artificial on their face but may be worth writing about? As for a more intentional life, I don’t know. Is it like minimalism which I am exploring with my hoarder husband? I guess it’s trying to live as if every day matters. Like it’s possibly your last.

But how many of us actually have the time or the money to do that anymore?

I honestly want to know what you think – comment wherever you see this posted. And thanks for listening.


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